There are some topics that are rarely discussed openly within the African community, and infertility is one of them.
When a woman gets married, there is often an unspoken expectation that within a few months, news of a pregnancy will follow. For some couples, that may happen quickly. For others, however, the journey is very different.
Behind the smiles, family gatherings, and social occasions can be a silent struggle that many people never see.
The questions begin almost immediately.
“When are you having a baby?”
“What’s taking so long?”
“Is everything okay?”
While these questions may be asked innocently, they can carry a heavy weight. In many cases, the burden of answering them falls almost entirely on the woman.
She bears the silence.
She notices the stares.
She hears the whispers from neighbours, extended family members, and sometimes even those closest to her. She finds herself repeatedly explaining something she may not fully understand herself.
Why is it often the woman who is expected to provide answers?
Why is it the woman who carries the blame?
Whether a couple has been trying for six months, one year, three years, or even longer, the pressure can become overwhelming. The emotional toll affects not only the woman but also the marriage itself. Questions that begin outside the home can eventually find their way inside it.
In many African cultures, motherhood is often seen as a defining milestone for women. As a result, when pregnancy does not happen quickly, assumptions are made. Too often, those assumptions point directly to the woman.
Yet infertility is not exclusively a woman’s issue.
It is a couple’s journey.
Unfortunately, this reality is not always reflected in how our communities respond.
I imagine the chaos before Christ was born—there was a census, Joseph and Mary had to travel to be counted. A heavily pregnant Mary had to walk miles, only to arrive and find no room at the inn.
I imagine Joseph feeling helpless, running around trying to draw anyone’s attention: “Look, my wife will give birth any second—can we find her a room?”
I also wonder—did he question if what the angels said was truly real? If this is the Christ, surely things should go smoothly.
Perhaps Mary too was frightened by the uncertainty of what was to come.
The period leading up to Christ’s birth wasn’t perfect.
It wasn’t announced with calm Christmas carols or streets twinkling with lights.
I imagine it was fraught with chaos, uncertainty, and fear.
And that may be your story today—the fear of what’s coming for you, the waiting taking so long. Will it ever be? How will my story end?
We know Christ brought joy. The story ended in victory.
And as you ponder and wonder, just imagine: He is bringing your story to light, aligning it to His perfect plan.
Is there a reason for this pain, why can’t it just end, why the disappointment, discomfort and the long wait.
These are questions we have all asked ourselves in times of great suffering.
Our pain leaves us with more questions than answers. How do you carry on living in the mist of great pain? Disappointment drains us of strength.
Christ suffered for us so that we can have great strength and hope in our pain.
Christ was born to carry not just our sins but our pain, wounded, bruised and hung on the cross he suffered great pain, Just for us.
He stood in our place, where we would have been condemned, he was condemned.
Where we would have been shamed, He was shamed.
Where fear lingers he brought release, And in this season of Christmas we have peace in our hearts because we know that there will be purpose in our pain.
This knowledge gives us strength as we wait for his perfect plan, we live in hope because hope in him doesn’t bring shame.
So are you tired of waiting, look to the the manger then the cross, then cling to his grace which he gave when he rose again.
When you think of Christmas and the period leading up to it, I am sure you are not thinking of variants, lockdowns and isolating. .
Lately all we read about is how far covid has spread, the various variants, numbers infected and living under the threat of lockdowns.
Christmas and the time leading up to it, use to be a time of excitement, anticipation, waiting for that gift, looking forward to carol services, the dread of secret santa, expecting friends and family for the pre- Christmas lunch/parties and post Christmas visits.
After the Christmas festivities we begin to plan for the year ahead. But the uncertainty of Covid has caused panic around the globe, the question on everyone’s lips-
“Is another lockdown coming or not”.
The present situation makes me pause and wonder about the few days before Christ birth,
How did Mary and Joseph felt at the coming of a baby at a time of great uncertainty? They had to travel to Bethlehem for the censors.
Making that journey miles away, with Mary only a few days from birth was no small feat. Only to arrive with no room anywhere in town not even in the inn, but in the manger in the inn.
The uncertainty surrounding Christ birth is nothing compared to what we face today.
Mary must have uttered a silent prayer to God. “Remember us lord” Help us God”.“Protect us God”.
I am sure she did, because they had to flee a few days after his birth, on the run to save His life. She must have constantly prayed for safety carrying the promised child.
You too may have had your procedure cancelled or postponed, or maybe expecting after a long wait and living under the uncertainty of what the future holds for you and your child. Under the threat of Covid and other external factors.
During times of stress and distress we often cry out for help, we ask God the higher power for intervention, to step in and often he does.
Just like He stepped into Rachel’s situation and she became pregnant. God stepped in and saved Jesus from being slaughtered.
He will remember you and step in.
He does and has not forgotten you, he knows your name, your situation and location.
Draw near to him now and stay close, and be enclosed in His peace. He will come and he will help you.
Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.” Luke 2:14
In our previous posts I wrote about Rachel and how God remembered her. often we make statements like ”God remembered me”.
But does God forget? That’s the question. Has he forgotten about you?
God is not human and does not forgets like humans.
But often we use the word “God has remembered me”. Usage of that word suggests there is a flaw in God. A human flaw of forgetfulnesses.
Man is fallible so, man forgets. But God is not a human that he should forget, right? Nor a human that he should lie, has he said it and will he not do it?
Let me Put it to you that God does forgets. Yes he does. He forgets your sins. He himself said “I will remember their sins no more”. So here, God deliberately forgets and erase your sins from His memories. So when He looks at you He sees you clean.
Earlier on in my quest for a child I went through various scenarios, of times when I may have done somethings for which I was atoning for. It could be anything but the guilt of it all stacks up even more when I couldn’t fall pregnant.
I knew I was forgiven, I knew the delay was not a result of things I may have done. I just couldn’t stop thinking there was something that is causing the delay. I wanted an answer and maybe you do too. It’s so easy to find a reason to hold on to. Hence we blame it on some past wrong doings.
We sometimes think that there is an underlining deep spiritual message that God was trying to send us?
Then I remember, it was I who forgot that God has forgotten about any past sins.
God did not keep the receipt, He cleared the hard drive and He destroyed every backup copy. He does not remember my sins. He has Forgotten them.
So I want to challenge you today to take whatever mistakes you think you have made, use an erase-able pan or a pencil Stack them up.
write what you remember one by one,
Put a strike next to them.
Scribble over them.
Then use the eraser and rob them out.
Finally rip the paper.
Do the same on your computer/Ipad or smart phone.
start typing out all the things you think you may have done wrong,
then press the back button or highlight them and
then delete it all without saving.
This is what God did.
He deleted, he erased, then ripped up the evidence. He doesn’t remember your sins because when you ask for his forgiveness he just erase it. He wiped the slate clean, he cannot remember and see you as new when he looks at you.
So the next time you think the delays you are experiencing is because of some past sins, some jealousy, habits or other horrible stuff, Just Remember, He doesn’t remember your sins.
You are forgiven, washed and cleaned and you have put on Christ As Paul said, so each time you pray he sees Christ. Not your sins.
He sees His son whom he sent as a baby a long time ago to come and cover you, to come and stand in your place on the cross.
Now you are dressed in righteousness and faultless to stand before His throne. That’s who you are, faultless. So come boldly thanking him, for his forgetfulness.
In his book God came near, Max Lucado wrote. Do yourself a favour purge your cellar . Exorcise your basement. Take the Roman nails of Calvary and board up the door.
This season is one of giving, retail outlets expects this to be a profitable season as shoppers look for that perfect gift for their families and friends.
I have seen some stunning gift wrapping techniques which puts to shame my limp attempt at wrapping . I am consoled by this saying “it’s the thought that counts, not the wrapping”.
This is so true, I have never seen anyone who decides not to unwrap their gift simply because the wrapping paper was too pretty. Without fail, adults and kids immediately tear into the wrapper hoping to find something of worth, something they imagined, or something unexpected.
Christ was an unexpected gift, although he was a promised king he was not a longed waited child. So His birth and everything surrounding it was unimagined.
Who would have imagined angels will appear to shepherds announcing his arrival?
Who would have imagined God will choose a teenage girl to use as a vessel via which a saviour will come.
Who would have imagined that Herod will be so cruel as to kill innocent children because he feared what that child will become?
Who would have imagined he would come, walk amongst men and perform so many miracle.
Who would have imagined this “King”, would die willingly and rise again?
Everything about his arrival, life, death and resurrection was unimaginable, which makes Christmas special.
As you wait for your own arrival one day. I am sure you have imagined the moment you find out you are expecting, you have imagined how your child will look, imagined their first steps, smile etc.
But God’s promise are unimaginable, even your best imagination has not yet imagined what God has in store for you..
How reassuring it is that we can’t out imagine God, His ways are past finding out.
As you wait and expect your burden of Joy, know that your eyes have not seen, your ears have not heard, neither your heart considered or imagined what God has in store for you.
Every year we celebrate all kinds of occasions, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, halloween, thanksgiving and christmas.
These season can be triggers for the couple in waiting, because without fail, we see parents adore their young kids with outfit and proudly shows them off.
I did the same when my girls were still little. without thought for how my waiting friends feels. No one intentionally parades their kids to cause distress, we all do it from a place of joy.
But I understand the pain and agony these images can cause. The despair cause by your failed attempt to get pregnant, the repeated miscarriage and the loss of a child.
When I was waiting I discovered that more than seeing friends or pregnant women, the seasons of celebration is the hardest one to face.
There is no escaping the gaiety in the air as you watch friends, dress up with their babies, teens, sons or daughters in teamed outfit.
O the tug at your heart strings as you imagine how you will dress your baby. You build a picture and hold on to the hope that it will one day be you dressing up your child.
These image seems to diminish as the years go by.
And every year as you watch others with their tiny little babies dress up for school plays for halloween themed party for thanksgiving and Christmas dinner, you hide in floods of tears, loathing another celebratory season.
I am reminded by this passage in Psalm 143:8. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love.
Yes seasons may come and go and our desires tarries, but God’s word never changes.
Anchor your hopes to it and hold on, let each celebratory season remind you of His unfailing love and as we approach Christmas when you will have to face Santa and school plays, remember his birth is the reason we are here but his death and resurrection is a promise that we can hold on to his promise, that he will grant us our hearts desires.
For if he did not withhold his Son from us, he will give us freely our hearts desires.
Recently a friend of mine shared the good news of her pregnancy. I was so excited for the family as this will be her second child. The first being almost 9 years old.
She’s a medical doctor and after 9 years decided to undergo IVF treatment. Her treatment was right in the middle of COVID. It was a very stressful time for her.
Her family decided to minimise their interaction with the outside world. One of the things they did was not to send their daughter into school as part of the key workers program. My friend, reduced and limited her interaction with patients, by working.
I am happy to say the pregnancy progressed and she’s now mother to a 3 year old boy.
How do you navigate treatment during this covid era? It is bad enough prior to covid, now patients have so many other precautions to take, from wearing a mask, social distancing, to limit or eliminate completely interaction with those outside your house hold.
There is so much uncertain which comes with any IVF pregnancy any way. One of which is the constant fear that something might go wrong. I have been there and that right until I had my baby in my hands, I lived with the fear that something may still go wrong.
I think the fear was born from years of disappointment and the previously failed pregnancy or miscarriages or other delays an IVF couple may have suffered.
Now add a pandemic to the mix and you have an additional foe to contend with.
So here are some suggestions to take if you are undergoing fertility treatment are pregnant from treatment or are hoping to start treatment soon.
Be cautious at all times. Like my friend, limit your interactions to if, necessary those within your household or within your bubble.
Limit your bubble to a few immediate families, like parents or a brother or sister. The reason being that they too might have a bubble and you don’t want to form a bubble with anyone whom you cannot trust.
Work from home if your job allows it. If not, discuss alternative working patterns with your employer. You can possibly start later or earlier when the office is not at full capacity. If you company can, they should be able to make your place of work covid safe. So a discussion with your employer is vital at the onset.
If you have to go out, social distancing is a must. Maintain 3 to 6 feet from anyone not from the same household. I have often called on my friend and stood 7 feet from her, sometimes we have had to hold a conversation with raised voices.
Always wear a mask, find out the best mast avaliabile and make sure you always have one handy. I keep packets of mask in every handbag.
Frequently disinfect whatever surface you work on.
Regularly wash your hand and use a sanitizer after touching any food product or if you have been in a public place.
Abstain from touching your face, it is an impossible feat I know, but being mindful of the dangers the virus presents, should spur you to act accordingly.
Limit out doors adventures if you can help it. Only go out if it is absolutely necessary and your partner is unavailable to help, for instance choose the quietest time of the day for your walks or park visits, your commute to walk or the shops.
And finally have your groceries delivered, this will save you time and give you peace of mind.
This is not ideal I know, but it will be worth it in the end when you hold your beautiful baby in your arms.
I wish you every success as you embark on this exciting new phase of your life.
I use to be a very anxious person and I can say it is not a pleasant place to be. I worried about everything. So I know that being anxious affects so many aspects of ones life.
At the beginning of the lock down and home schooling I felt I can handle it so at first it didn’t seem terrifying. But anxiety soon sets in when the realization of it all hits me.
Working from home and home schooling 2 kids, with a dad who’s a key worker set my pause racing. I soon lost control.
My mum lives with us and a week into the lock down, my she had a bad case of sciatica , this meant she couldn’t move and help herself with basic chores.
Soon I found I had 3 people to help during the day, plus WFH as well as the constant worry of what would happen if their dad gets the virus.
I found myself waking up with palpitations and
Worrying about any and everything.
I didn’t like the way I felt and knew
I had to do something fast, so I went back to back to basics. I went back to what I knew and abandoned.
These are the 10 techniques I used to cope during the lockdown.
1. Yoga and meditation: I was never keen at siting still , but occasionally I meditate and practice some breathing techniques. I helped my kids log into their yoga classes and soon joined in. Soon I noticed a calmness after every session. Maybe because I laughed so much at the way they threw themselves into it. But it did helped me a great deal.
2. I also mediate by coloring, I dig out my old coloring book and began to enjoy the quietness it brings as I color in the words and pictures. As I could in the word “peace”. I say things like “I have peace in my life”. “I let peace reign over me and my family”. “I release every anxiety into the hands of God and I release myself into peace”. this single act always releases me Into a peaceful state.
3. I Talk to myself. It is not a sign of maddness. I do this particularly when I feel the anxiety starting to build up. I tell Myself to stop and calm down and then engage in guided breathing
4. I have a list of everything which helps me stay calm, like a hot bath, mediations, reading, watching a comedy, exercise, e.g.,walking, jogging, skipping and dancing. I pick one or two and do a different one everyday.
5. I go over old photo albums and videos and relive memories of good times like holidays, my kids school plays, family BBQs, this feels me with joy as I imagine myself in that place of happiness and peace again.
6. I limit what I listen to and watch on the news. The constant consumption was also a reason for heighten anxiety.
7. I refuse to compare myself to anyone else. You might feel pressure to want to do something as everyone else seems to be doing something for a good cause.if you find something you want to be a part of do the little you can, but do not feel pressured to do something because everyone is doing same.
8. I focus on the here and now. While I picture life after the lockdown, I do not think too far ahead, because the prospect can become too daunting. Think about the next hour or minute. When you do that everything becomes easier. focus on the mundane, the everyday activities like taking a shower, brushing your teeth. Having a meal. Find peace in the simple things you normally do daily without taking notice.
9. Connection is vital. Stay connected to families and friends, organize a zoom call. I had a call with some friends at church the other night and it helped a lot as we all chatted about everything and what we were facing and how each of us was struggling. We shared ideas of how we are handling the lock down. It was such a relaxed evening.
10. I always started the day by reading my bible and my positive mindset book and also end it with a prayer . I mediate on a few lines as I drift off to sleep, with a quiet music in the background, it works every time.
There you have it.
I hope this might help someone out there, as they navigate life under lockdown.
In her interview to pure woman she told a heartbreaking story of going through 7-8 miscarriage. What pain she must have gone through. .
She found out that she has adenomyosis, which is endometriosis of the uterus. It occurs when the endometrial tissue, the same tissue that lines the uterus, grows into the the muscular wall of the uterus, causing intense period pain, prolonged and heavy menstrual bleeding and, in severe cases like Union’s, infertility.
Union did not give up, and than masked the problem which she felt they were doing by advising her to go on the pills, she felt the problem where being masked.
Fast forward to November 7 she and her husband Dwayne Wade welcomes a beautiful Miracle baby girl via surrogacy.
Her Instagram post is one of pure joy. You can tell that although the road leading to this was littered with pain and tears it was also hope and faith filled.
