It’s Mother’s Day here in the UK. For a very long time, I did not take part in any kind of Mother’s Day celebration. I avoided it like the plague… I just couldn’t bring myself to celebrate something I am not, yet so wanted to be.
I avoided going out, as the shops were often decorated with beautiful cards for mothers. Cards of every color adorned the store shelves with heart signs and shapes, depicting a child’s love for his or her mother.
On one occasion, I received flowers and a card from my husband. I was unhappy about this gesture. “I am not going to pretend that I am a mother,” I muttered under my breath. I was being realistic, calling it what it was.
“You know I don’t celebrate Mother’s Day. Why buy me a Happy Mother’s Day card?” I asked in a strained voice.
He just replied, “Open it,” and walked away. My husband is not my child; why should I be excited about receiving a card from him? I thought. The irrational thoughts of a childless woman—to me, nothing made sense anymore.
Later that day, I felt better enough to pick up the card, and I felt really, really stupid. On the front, “I Love You” was written boldly. This card celebrated me as a person, a friend, a human being, and a wife; it celebrated our union and our love.
My husband, a man of few words, wanted me to know that he loves me just as I am now—not for what I could be as a mother. Mother or not, I am somebody, not defined by my circumstances or the name badge of “mother.”
As Mother’s Day approaches, you too may be filled with dread as well-meaning friends, godchildren, and family celebrate their mums. You may want to crawl into bed and be invisible for the day because you don’t want the fuss.
I understand the feeling. I experienced many Mother’s Days without being a mother, and most of it was not by choice. I believe I truly received healing when I decided to stop being hurt by the mention of the word “mother” and started to take part in and enjoy the fun of it.
Those around you understand, too. Do not think your friends, family, or community do not care about you. Rest assured, they wish for you to enjoy the pleasures of being a mother, and they may show it in strange ways, like buying you flowers or cards, or taking you out on Mother’s Day.
Celebrate with them. It’s a joyous occasion, and besides, being happy doesn’t do anyone any harm; rather, it relieves the pressures and thoughts of one’s own struggles.
Celebrate who you are and who you are becoming through this process. You have been chosen to walk this path; it is tough, but celebrate your strengths. Celebrate because some were crushed by envy and jealousy, but here you are, still believing and holding on.
Celebrate the unique love your partner has for you. Celebrate the adversity which has made you both stronger.
After that incident with my husband, I decided I was going to enjoy Mother’s Day every year. I was a godmother, an aunty, and a mother-to-be. That qualifies me to celebrate.
I stopped dreading its approach and started to write cards to mothers whom I admire. You may not go as far as I did, but I encourage you to see yourself as what you want to be a mother, and be joyful in that knowledge. Know that even though you may not be a mother right now, you may be one someday.
My prayer for you is that:
* You will experience the pains of childbirth.
* You will nurse a child.
* You will feel the heartbeat of your child next to yours.
* You will feel the squeeze of tiny fingers holding yours.
* You will see the smiles of your child beaming at you.
* You will smell the scent of baby oil on their cheek.
* You will feel the tenderness of their look as they stare back at you.
* You will hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet as they trundle into your bed.
* You will cherish the warm, cuddly hugs of tiny hands around your neck.
* You will hear a little voice say, “Mama, I love you.”
Happy Mother’s Day.
D’Ebi
Your Partner in Hope
