Author: Deboko

I am a writer, blogger, a business mentor and coach. My goal is to help others be all they can be and to provide encouragement and support to couples, or anyone who is currently trying for a baby or has suffered the lost of a child either by miscarriage or still birth. I married with two beautiful girls. Having experienced the ache of waiting for a child we now have 2 beautiful daughters. while waiting I journaled my thoughts about the process and have now decided to start a blog to provide support to those currently waiting. My hope is that you can find encouragement within these pages as you wait for your own burden of joy.

Top Rated IVF Clinics in UK 

Deboko1 Comment

The HFEA is the authority which regulates and holds information about every IVF clinic in the U.K.

The information about success rates is published on their websites.Guides to clinics/ Every clinic is inspected to ensure that they meet the UK government standards and rules in relation to safety and ethics. In 2014 The HFEA published its data on fertility clinics.

How rates are compared. 

Clinics are ranked by the national average. A clinics birth rate is presented as either above, below or consistent with the national average live birth rate, this data is used to predict the future chance of a live birth for an average patient who goes to that clinic. This is presented as a range. eg, the predicted chance is between 12 – 28%.

Presenting the figure as a range is the preferred method, simply because no statistic is absolute and results vary from year to year. If an upper range is chosen this may change yearly. The range varies from one clinic to the next depending on the number of cycles performed yearly.

For example: If a clinic carried out 100 treatment cycle a year and 20 women had a live birth. This is a 20% live birth rate for that year.

How likely is it that the clinic could repeat this performance if it treated another 100 women with similar treatment needs under similar clinical conditions the following year? The range gives the answer that the success rate will fall between 12% and 28%.

There is no official ‘league table’ of UK fertility clinics, however, the results that are published by the HFEA do give a broad indication of the top-performing clinics in the country and show which ones have above-average rates of success.
The actual life birth rates shows how a clinic performs in a year. This data is used to predict the future but it’s by no way a guarantee of the results for each individual patient.

How figures are collate

Data published on the HFEA’s website is from individual treatment cycles and results gathered by individual clinics.

The HFEA visits clinics periodically to assess the reliability of their reporting. Each clinic is required to check the individual cycle and outcome data held by the HFEA against their own medical records for the reporting period, and then to self certify, by signing a document confirming the data they have provided is correct.

Success Rates:

There are many reasons why a clinic may have a higher or lower success rate. This maybe due to the fact that some clinics may treat few or more patient with difficult fertility problems than the national average. 

Latest Clinical Pregnancy Rates for London Clinics (results categorised by age group and listed alphabetically) HFEA published data (on 19/5/2014) for the period 1st July 2012 – 30th June 2013 (For fresh IVF & ICSI cycles)

< 35 years  35-37 years 38-39 years 40-42 years

ARGC                                     80.2%         68.3%           50.0%.             47%

Bart’s                                       36.3%        31.1%             25.2% 9.    9 out of   41*

Chelsea & Westminster     45.7%         34.3%           20.3%           14.8%

CREATE                                    40.2%       40.0%  10 out of 39*       19.3%

CRM*                                        44.3%       37.9%            29.0%          21.4%

Guy’s                                        36.0%         33.1%.           29.7%.         21.6%

Hammersmith                      41.2%          31.1%           26.6%           13.3%

Homerton                               23.6%         22.7%            17.1%           14.3%

Kings College assisted        30.6%.       31.9%             21.2%          17.5%

London Fertility Centre     29.3%        30.9%              20.4%         14.2%

London Women’s Clinic     32.8%        31.0%              25.5%          11.3%

Reproductive Genetics        54.4%       42.4%              42.3%         30.0%

The Bridge Centre                   29.4%      24.6%             17.7%         11.2%

The Lister Fertility Clinic     49.5%    38.2%                26.7%        21.5%

UCH*                                          42.8%      40.1%               36.1%       29.4%

 

Other related posts: Surviving Treatment, Exploring Treatment Options. ,Infertility: When to seek help

 

Disclaimer:

The information contained here is intended as a guide only, the writer is not an IVF specialist. Please check the HEFA website HFEA site  for more recent published data. This data was taken from the ARGC website, which has the highest results across all age range.
*Centre for Reproductive Medicine Coventry, UCH Centre for Reproductive and Genetic Health.

*% not applicable if number of cycles is less than 50 in any group.

Choosing an IVF Clinic

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hope-never-failsI knew I wanted treatment but I did not know where to go. Even though my hubby is a medic who knew the process, knowing which clinic to use for our IVF treatment took quite a bit of research on our part.

We went with our GP’s recommendation for our first and second treatment, and were referred to a teaching hospital. We thought being a teaching hospital this was a good idea, so we did no background checks.

Checks like: success rates, services on offer, facilities or any such things, we just assumed being a teaching hospital and a research centre we will be fine. we were disappointed with the whole process. It wasn’t the fact that the process failed it was the handling of the process and the treatment we received.

Our experience was so bad that we waited another year and a half before trying a different clinic. During my break from treatment, I did a proper research to IVF clinics, procedures and what my top 10 clinics offered.

Choosing a clinic is a very personal decision one that involves so many criteria. See related article Exploring Treatment Options. After my experience with the first clinic, we checked the fertility regulator websites which was full of so much information that it was impossible to pick one clinic without having to read everything about it.

I decided on a clinic after months of research, reading newspapers reviews and comparing stats. After my research, we decided to write down our expectations from a clinic and the criterial which helped us decide on the clinic to go with:

I don’t want you to go through the same problem so I have compiled a list of 10 questions to asked yourself and the clinic before you choose:

  1. How to search: know what you want from a clinic. It is important that you know what you want and which clinic is good at it. I know you want to be pregnant and have a baby, any clinic has some success rate. But what is your diagnosis and which clinic is best suited to dealing with that? As mentioned above, get up to speed with fertility information.

    Read, read, read, by so doing, you will come across a wealth of information which will help you decide on a clinic. I came across my clinic while searching for the top 10 IVF clinic in the UK, with this search I was able to review the 10 top clinics and decided on the one I eventually used.

  2. Your first port of call: Every clinic has an overview page, which gives detailed information about what the clinics offer, their success rates by age, the treatment they administer and weather they are involved in any research. crucially the price is there somewhere. This page will also provide information on staffs, facility and the location enabling you to make the best decisions based on what you have read in comparison to other clinics.
  3. What’s on offer: what services does the clinic offer in addition to the treatment cycle? do they offer support group where you can be part of during the process? Do they also offer counselling as part of the package? I was a total mess after my first 2 failed experience, some counselling would have gone a long way to help ease the pain, but the clinic offered no such services and did not suggest it. I was shoved out of the door and told better luck next time. my support system where my husband and strength from God.

  4. High up on my list was the support system of the clinic. Soon after my initial consultation, immediately I joined their online forums where we supported each other and gained valuable information about the clinic and certain other procedures. Some clinic offer counselling services to talk you through before you begin, it can be part of the cost or may not be. Find out at your initial consultation, what is offered and if it is included in the overall price.

  5. Location and opening times: This was important for us as my husband and I both worked full time. It was important the clinics offered appointments which were flexible enough to fit within our time. Check if they have early and late openings appointments.

    Also, factor the cost of hotel, taxi trips, if you happen to find a clinic which ticks all the box but not local. My clinic was nowhere near where we live but luckily it was near my office so it was a case of popping out during lunch breaks for tests and scans.

  6. Find out the treatment on offer: Given my pre-existing health conditions I wanted a clinic which offered more than the basic test and treatment, but one that understands how autoimmunity affects fertility.  my research lead me to believe that the clinic we choose offered more than the basic IVF which was reassuring. The More I read about them the more convinced I was about using them. So, it is important to know what clinic is good for what. If you are over 40”, you may want to select the clinic with the highest success rate amongst over 40.

Other questions to ask during your first appointments:

  1. Number of cycles offered by the clinic: Find out the number of cycles they offer and the what stage they choose to stop, if you don’t fall pregnant. I was told at my previous clinic that they won’t offer another treatment as there was nothing they different they will do. This was very devastating news, see related post Surviving Treatment Not only could they not explain why I had such bad results, I was turned down for another treatment without explanation.  It is therefore important to know how far the clinic is willing to go, especially if you are over 40.
  2. Their inspection report: every clinic have an inspection report, what does it say about them? They should have it visible or on their website: go through it and see what it says about how they perform and operate. If it’s not visible ask them for one.
  3. Success rates: it is only natural for you to want to know your chances: what are their success rate per age group.

    Choose a clinic which has data on the number of treatment carried out yearly and the number of successful treatments leading to live births. This should be a guide not as an indication that you will be pregnant. It is good to know as it is reassuring. I was reassured to find out that my clinic was consistently top. Also, compare their success rate to the national average;

  4. Waiting times: regardless of your age you do not want to be waiting endlessly for an appointment, during your research find out the waiting times before your initial appointment. Depending on the popularity of the clinic waiting times can be from 1-6 months. So, ask them during your telephone conversation, to have an indication of how long before your first appointment.
  5.  First impressions matter. How did your initial contact with the clinic went:  where they professional? did you feel welcome? Did you feel like this is the place you should be having treatments? Are the staff courteous, polite, friendly and helpful?

I don’t want you to go through the same problems we faced, which is why I have written this piece. I hope that you have found it helpful, and hope that you will find place where you can have a treatment which will result in what your hearts desires. Please share and leave comment if you have found this helpful.

Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day: 16 October 2016

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I couldn’t write anything on that day. I wanted to write something to encourage those who have suffered loss of any kind but I couldn’t find the words.. then I received this in my inbox and refused to look at it, I felt really down and wondered how those babies I lost would have looked liked had they lived…

I decided to share this article as it blessed me so much. You can subscribe to received daily encouragements from the www. SarahLaughter.com. 
Happy reading 

 Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. It is a day set aside to honor and remember your babies–so very loved–lost to miscarriage or stillbirth. Sarah’s Laughter joins you in honoring and remembering all babies loved and lost. Those miscarried a a few days after a positive pregnancy test. Those carried full term but not carried home. Those conceived in embryology labs but never survived to transfer. If you loved and lost your baby–no matter the timeline–we remember them with you.

Tears are frequent companions along the road you travel. They appear at the most inconvenient times and refuse to be silenced. Your heart is heavy from the burden you bear, and life insults you by continuing on. 

You have an appointment, and it is one your heart will want to keep. Facing the loss of precious babies, appointments with doctors become something that we tend to fear or dread. We grow weary of bad reports and worse realities. Many times the appointments raise more questions than ever, and they all remain unanswered. But there is an appointment set for you with the One who holds every answer to every question your heart has ever asked. You have an appointment with God. 

 One day, you will stand face to face with the God who chose to allow you to suffer through the unbelievable sorrow of the death of your babies. One day, you will look into the eyes of Love Himself and finally have a conversation with the only One who knows the reasons why. What will God do? The answer is found in Revelation 21:3-5:

And I heard a loud voice from the throne, say, “Behold, the tabernacle of God 
is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain;

 the first things have passed away.” And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.”

 Your tears will come to an end that day. The same hand that formed the first man, the same hand that stretched out over raging waters and calmed a storm, the same hand that had a nail driven through it, the same hand that formed your babies in your womb, will one day reach out to you again, and wipe the tears from your face. He’ll lock eyes with you and touch your face. Your tears and your hurt will vanish, never to take residence in your heart again. With compassion unmatched through time and eternity, your Heavenly Father will make all things new, and will banish sorrow and mourning from your heart. No more death. No more pain. No more prematurity. No more separation. All things will be made new.

Until that day, weep when you need to. The same Lord who will wipe your tears away takes note of those same tears today, and He keeps them in a bottle. He promises to be near to you when you are brokenhearted. He must be close today.  

 So grieve as you need to. Just don’t grieve as those who have no hope. Your tears will end one day, and you’ll see your babies again. It’s an appointment I know you’ll want to keep.  

 

I love hearing from you. Please email me at

beth@sarahs-laughter.com and tell me your story.
If you have found this Daily Double Portion to be encouraging, please forward to friends and like us on Facebook.

Like Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day on

Copyright © 2016 Sarah’s Laughter, All rights reserved. 

  

The “age” thing

Deboko1 Comment

make-dreams-happenI get excited about the news of my friends becoming pregnant or anyone who has tried for a while becomes a parent, especially if they’re over 40.

I believe women have it tough with our biological clock and all… so the story of a 40 something year old becoming a mum excites me…I am not sure why I get excited this way, maybe it’s something to do with the miracle of a child developing through the stages in a woman’s body.

So the news of Janet Jackson expecting her first child at the age of 50, was sweet music to my ears. I don’t know her story, I don’t know if she tried to conceive several times or not, I am not sure. But here’s what I do know, to be pregnant at 50 is medically classed as high risk, almost impossible. Being married to a medical doctor I know my husband constantly reminded me of the facts of having babies beyond 40 while we were trying.

Medically as a woman ages, it takes longer to conceive and the risk of not being able to get pregnant increases. Also, the risk of miscarriages, complications in pregnancy and childbirth, increases.
Starting at about age 32, a woman’s chances of conceiving decrease gradually but significantly, from age 35, the fertility decline speeds up. By age 40, fertility has fallen by half. At 30, the chances of conceiving each month is about 20%. At 40 it is around 5%. This post details when to seek help. Infertility: When to seek help

Hence my excitement at the news of any woman who becomes pregnant at any age above 35 especially age 40 and above…. it is nothing short of a miracle….

The stats are there: facts not fictions, however, there is hope for anyone who is over 35 onwards, as the stats also shows that., for the first time in decades ‘older mothers’ I.e. over 35s are now more than under 35s.

If you really have a desire to be a parent, woe betide me or anyone else who tries to quench the fire of your hopes and dreams. The desire to become a mum or dad is God given and unless he takes that desire away, never ever give up hope to believe against all odds, that you will become a parent.

I don’t know Janet’s story, did she try for a long time? Did she had any miscarriages? Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t, regardless she’s an expectant mum at 50… that’s encouraging. 

If you are out there reading this post, be encouraged by it, fuel your zeal with faith, don’t give up on your quest towards becoming a parent , no matter what, try, try. Try, again…

 

Your partner in Hope

D’Ebi

 

Related article: Causes Of Infertility In Women 

The Adoption Process

DebokoLeave a comment

 

I have huge respect and applaud anyone who has made room in their heart and home to parent a child. Adoption is a unique act, one that is selfless and giving. Although I have not adopted a child, I know it is a hugely rewarding and transforming experiences for both the child and parent.

I started exploring this option after my Eureka moment read it here:Exploring Other Options

In UK, several agencies are involved in the adoption process, these are social services, the Local authority, the courts, and other adoption agencies.

This post will explain the process here in the UK…

Adoption is a way of providing a permanent home and family to a child who can’t be bought up by their birth family.

Why adopt? For me it was not because I was unable to have a child of my own, the moment I realised I can bequeath love to another human and give a child a home and make them feel love, it became irrelevant the method of getting being a parent.

If I can love a child of my own, I can equally love the child birthed by another. Being a parent, is all encompassing, it involves, showing and giving love, passing on life’s values and raising up kids who will be outstanding, decent citizens, this I believe should not be restricted to birth parents only.

Of course I arrived at this decision following my experience with infertility, but for me it was all about loving. Adoption process is not a smooth road. having closely observed a friend during the adoption of her child, I realised it can be both exciting and draining at the same time.

Statistics: Each year in England there are 4000 children waiting to be adopted, the majority are older children,as well as sibling groups who need to be placed together or children with disabilities.

Process: The adoption process involved working with different groups of people as mentioned above. It is the job of these people to ensure that prospective adopters are the best possible parents for the children.

Stages:

Pre-stage one exploration: invokes knowing more about the process. Often includes reading background information and speaking with experts

Initial checks and registration: involves locating an agency you are comfortable with and commencing the process which involves formal evaluation, taking references and conducting  background checks. This stage  typically takes 2 months.

Ttraining and assessment: Usually involves a social worker who is assigned to work with your family. They will assess your strengths and produce a report to the adoption panel. This stage usually takes 4 months

Matching with the child: This is where the adoption agency works with the local authorities to find the right child for you. They will discuss the Child with you in order to determine the suitability you. The final decision is usually made by the adoption panel

Moving in: Once a match has been made, there will be a period of time to get to know the child, this will involve a series of visits and short stays. After which you apply to the court to be the legal parent.

I learnt from my friend that the process is very invasive as very detailed and personal questions are asked, no area is left out, job, housing arrangement and your extended family is also looked at. I acted as a reference for my friend, and I am so glad to see their daughter thriving and turning into a vibrant young woman.

So the wait was worth it  as their little girl who came to be with them a few years ago has brought so much such a joy, fulfillment and a sweetness to the home.

If you are considering adopting, make inquires in your local area and don’t delay any longer… Soon you will be we on your way to welcoming your child home.

We would love to Hear your story, send us a private message if it’s so personal to you. Or leave it as a comment.

Wishing much success on your fertility journey..

Your partner in hope
DebokoLeave a comment

Adoption is a unique and selfless act. I respect and applaud anyone who has made room in their heart and home to parent a child. 

Although I have not adopted a child, i was closely involved during the adoption process of my best friends child. I know it is a hugely rewarding and transforming experiences for both the child and parent. 
I started exploring this option after my Eureka moment read it here: 
In the UK, several agencies are involved in the adoption process, these are social services, the local authority, the courts, and other adoption agencies.
My aim is is to explain the process here in the UK… 
What is adoption? 

Adoption is a way of providing a permanent home and family to a child who can’t be bought up by their birth family. 
Why adopt? 
For me it was not because I was unable to have a child of my own, the moment I realised I can bequeath love to another human and give a child a home and make them feel love, it became irrelevant the method of being a parent.  
If I can love a child of my own, I can equally love the child birthed by another. Being a parent, is all encompassing, it involves showing and giving love, passing on life’s values and raising up kids who will be outstanding, decent citizens, this I believe should not be restricted to birth parents. Of course I arrived at this decision following my experience with infertility, but for me it was all about loving and giving. 
The Adoption process is not a smooth road. having closely observed my friend during the adoption of her child, I realised it can be both exciting and draining at the same time. 

 

The Statistics: shows that each year in England there are 4000 children waiting to be adopted, the majority are older children, as well as sibling groups who need to be placed together or children with disabilities.
The Process: 
The adoption process involved working with different groups of people as mentioned above, whose job is to to ensure that prospective adopters are the best possible parents for the children. 
The Stages: 
Pre-stage one called exploration: involves knowing more about the process. Often includes reading background information and speaking with experts 
 initial checks and registration: involves locating an agency you are comfortable with and commencing the process which involves formal evaluation (might include checking Medical history), taking references and conducting background checks. It is believed that this stage takes 2 months. 
Stage 2. training and assessment 

Usually involves a social worker who is assigned to work with your family. This might involve then learning about your way of life, beliefs, social standing, work pattern etc. At the end, they will assess your strengths and produce a report to the adoption panel. This stage usually takes 4 months 
Stage 3 matching with the child 

This is where the adoption agency works with the local authorities to find the right child for you. Amongst other things, they will discuss the child with you in order to determine weather you are both suited to each other. The final decision is usually made by the adoption panel, who will bring the whole picture together, 
Stage 4 moving in

Once a match has been made, there will be a period of time to get to know the child, this will involve a series of visits and short stays. After which you apply to the court to be the legal parent. 
I learnt from my friend that the process is very invasive and involves detailed and personal questions being asked, job, housing arrangement, extended family is also looked at, sometimes medical histories. This is to ensure that the child is placed in a loving home with people who want and care for him/her. 

I acted as a reference for my friend, I am so glad to see their daughter thriving and turning into a vibrant young woman. 
The wait for your child is always worth it no matter the process, their little girl who came to be with them a few years ago has brought so much joy, fulfillment and a sweetness to the home. 
If you are considering adopting, make inquires in your local area and don’t delay any longer… Soon you will be we on your way to welcoming your child home. 
We would love to Hear your story, send us a private message if it’s so personal to you. Or leave it as a comment. 
Wishing you much success on your fertility journey..
Your partner in hope 
D’Ebi

Exploring Other Options

Deboko1 Comment

I will never forget the day I asked myself this question. It was one of those days. I had received another good news, a friend was pregnant again!’ With her 3rd child.

On getting home, it suddenly dawned on me that I wanted to be pregnant so bad, I held my tummy in my hands and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I envisioned how I will look if pregnant.

infertile-pain
I knee in pain

 

Something was not right, I stopped, what could it be? I took another pillow and looked at my reflection again. I felt odd to be standing there, I was not excited by this look at all and quickly walked away. I chided myself for being so hopeful…  

I went to bed and laid down for a while when another picture began to develop in my mind’s eyes, the picture of a child.

I saw this child so pure and peaceful lying on his back, eyes closed with gentle breath. This picture jolted and excited me, I was so excited It was like I already had this child here with me, and I snapped out of my day dreaming and the question sprang to mind.

Which one will it be Debbie, “To be pregnant or to have a baby”?

I have never thought about them separately I have always assume one led to another, which also true in a way.

I suddenly realised that being a mother was more important to me then being pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted a child and all I knew was I had to be pregnant to have a one. I never explored other alternatives. This picture made me want to be a mother by whatever means, via IVF, surrogacy, adoption, whatever.

I started exploring my options after this confrontation with myself.

Let me ask you this question, have you considered your options?

Which would you like to be To be Pregnant or to be a parent?

Do you know there are so many ways your dreams of being a parent can be achieved?

See our next post on Adoption

Your partner in hope..

D’Ebi

Men and Infertility

Deboko2 Comments

strength-for-tomorrowI cannot and will never understand how a man deal with infertility.  However, I live with one and had a glimpse into his thoughts and actions during the trying period.

It is general knowledge that men are different from women both physically and emotionally,  they deal with issues differently, infertility included.

My husband was not diagnosed as infertile. But he had to deal with my diagnosis and the wait as much as I had to, we were in it together, trying to get pregnant. My hubby is not one to display his emotions, he’s a very guarded guy and often likes to be in control. I have never seen him cry not even when he lost his brother. Dealing with our inability to become pregnant did not change him. He never broke down and sob like I dis, he was a very strong support for me, my back born and always had an uplifting word no matter the diagnosis.

He was the reason I kept going but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t read his thoughts..

Well during this time I realised men deal with infertility in the following ways:

  1. A woman cries and calls her best friend when she receives a not so good news, a man doesn’t cry, none call his best friend, he goes for a walk.
  2. A woman gets a test result and is on the phone to her partner, a man gets a test results and wait to share the news when he gets home.
  3. A woman is up all night because she is anxious about starting the next course of treatments. A man sleeps soundly as if nothing is happening the next day,
  4. A woman charts each ovulation to know exactly when to copulate. A man walks in and says, you are too intense, give it a rest and walks out.

  5. A woman wants to he held and cuddled and told everything will be alright. A man wants to be left alone, and when asked if everything is alright stares at you and wonders what you are talking about.

  6. A woman sees every baby and coos over them, a man just smile politely and looks on nonchalantly.
  7. A woman’s emotions are on display for all to see, a man’s is always guarded and rarely shows emotions.
  8. A woman’s emotions flips on and off, a man’s is pretty much constant.
  9. A woman talks and talks and shares and shares about  her fears, hopes and dreams. A man listens while the TV is on, nods and says yea, everything will be fine.
  10. Women have no reasoning at all during this time, I didn’t, I couldn’t understand why I cannot carry a child, but my hubby was always philosophical about things.
  11. A man may later share his thoughts if everything walks out right, or may never do.

Men deal with infertility their own way and keep their feelings in check.  they don’t want their partners to see them broken, they want to be strong us when we are weak. I know this because If I had seen my husband broken, I would have lost all hope.

bigger-faithThey are also a big support system, my hubby was and held me up when I was down, he was a huge support, always holding my hand through the difficulty.

He later said he was so angry with God at one point and wondered why God wouldn’t just bless me with a child as I was so faithful in serving him.

I may not have seen him cry but I know that he felt my pain and deals with it in his own way. I don’t know why men don’t talk so much about it as women do. I often wonder if they  do feel socially inferior as women do?

Men do not have to worry about a biological clock as women do, could that be the reason why, there is no urgency about it all?

Do they wonder about their past the way we do?  Crying, asking for forgiveness over and over again over a past mistake?

even though they may not express their emotions in the same way as women, I do know that do feel the same pain as much as we do.

They do feel the pain and fear of not being able to be a father. They may wonder what it will be like to be pregnant as well as what it will be like to hold their own child, to see that first smile? To teach and do them stuff with their child.

Do they fear that they will never feel those exquisite Joys of fatherhood? To see the first steps, to hear them say dada, to kiss them goodnight?  

A man’s a pain may even be deeper than a woman as they wonder if they are any Less of a man for not passing their seed to the next generation.

An encouragement to women, do not be hard on your man if he’s not as open as you are. He deals with his pain differently from you. Encourage him to talk about how he feels, and wait for him to want to do so in his time.

Be no less loving, sweet and encouraging because he seem distance, that’s his way.

As you both walk this road faithfully, my hope for you is that you will both find a positive end to your story.

we would love to hear from a man’s perspective, comment below to share your thoughts

 

Your partner in hope.

D’Ebi

 

Related article: My Wishes

Unfair Generosity

DebokoLeave a comment

be the momI often hear statements like these “life’s not for”, or ‘this is not fair’. We uttered these words during times of hardships or whenever we are faced with difficult circumstances..

For me, I saw life as unfair when I failed to get pregnant while a young girl who has no means of taking  care of her child keeps getting pregnant.
Life isn’t fair when those who have no business having kids, do and the kids end up being abused.

I will never forget the day I cried after watching the sentencing of a couple who murdered their child, ‘it’s not fair I wailed!’

Surely, God should have seen this coming and placed that child in a lovely home to parents who will raise them better. 

Life isn’t fair when another friend tells me she is pregnant by accident….really? Is there any such thing? I often wondered. Why not me? ‘I would love an accidental pregnancy’ ”Lord”… 

Unfairness seems to be everywhere I looked as a waiting woman. It doesn’t matter the blessings I enjoyed, I looked at them with the eyes of unfairness. I would enjoy it better if I had kids, “ I reasoned”.

It dawned on me that there will never be a fairness in life as long as I chose to view every situation from “my cup is half empty”…

Let me ask these questions of you as I asked myself while going through my waiting period. How many times have you asked, ‘why me for each blessing you received’? For being promoted at work? Or receiving an unexpected gift. 

Surely it’s unfair to find strength to face this situation, while others struggle to keep their marriage and lose their health. Some folks didn’t make it as far as you did.

Is life unfair when We are repeatedly blessed financially? 

Is life unfair when God constantly provides to meet our needs with funds for each treatment and medication? No, we never considered that some people will never be able to afford a treatment for infertility. 

Is life unfair when your spouse or partner showers you with unfailing love even in the midst of infertility? Some marriages couldn’t withstand the pressure of waiting and trying.

Our obsession with comparing ourselves to others has bred a generation of ungrateful beings.

Have you ever stopped to think that your blessings is viewed as unfair by someone else? 

The workers in the story in Matthew 20, viewed their employer’s generosity as unfair… They wanted a decent pay for a good day’s work… However they were surprised to find that even those who started work at the close of day got as much as those who started earlier. 

“O”, how unfair” they cried…how can we who started at six, put in a day’s job, get the same wages as those who started at the end of the day.

They failed to realised that the farmer’s generosity wasn’t based on an hourly rate. It was a daily flat rate regardless of the time worked. They negotiated the Daily rate deal for those who were to come after…

Those who got the same for doing less never complained, only those who did more for the same

No, we never complained when we are at the receiving end of a blessings only when we deemed others more blessed than they should be or more blessed than us…

Who determines who gets what? The wage giver and in his time he will give what he deems fit to everyone who asks.

Did he not promise everyone who ask receives? Not he who asked first, or ask last. 

You may have asked longer than the newly wedded couple down the road, who just welcomed their first baby … they are the labourers who just entered the farm.

Regardless, you will be rewarded with the same blessings, a child…long wanted, who will be welcomed, wrapped in fine clothing, a gift for your labour.

 It won’t matter how long you have waited then… faithfully wait and do away with the comparison.
What is viewed as unfair is someone’s blessings. Let’s learn to celebrate others as we wait expectantly for our blessings.

 

Your partner in Hope

 

Debbie

Unclog Your Mind

DebokoLeave a comment

Blog GraphicIt’s summertime and for me it means time to clear out. Clear cupboards of old canned foods, clear out closet, sort out some old paper cabinets, my email box is not excluded, I go over emails which I haven’t had the time to delete.  Nothing is left out during my summer clearing out.

This got me thinking about our minds and brain which processed so much information daily, weekly, monthly and yearly. We clog them up with both wanted and unwanted stuff. We worry about any and everything.

Infertility makes it worse, we are constantly thinking about our situation, we live and breath it.

Just like our cupboards, closet and cabinets which needs sorting out, so does our minds, we need to daily Purge our minds of the stuff which we have allowed to settle.  We are admonished to be of a clean and pure heart.

James 4:8 tells us to purify our hearts, Matthew 23.25. Jesus had strong words to say about the state of the heart. We take so much care of the exterior but inside is full of rotten bones “strong words” indeed.

So straight from my heart is this encouragement for us to, empty out, the negatives, offences, hurt, disappointments, bitterness and guilt. Release all pain and live space within you for joy, love, peace and happiness.

Holding on to things which should be flush out builds up toxins. Bitterness, guilt and worry are infections, holding on to them infects us.

Dealing with infertility, miscarriage and stillbirth can be the start of having a clogged up mind.

Are you holding on to infections like anger and worry? Empty your mind of these feelings, by going over what’s accumulated during the course of the day.

It may appear to be futile exercise but soon you will notice a change in you, a freedom to live without any of the old feelings.

When you make room, your life will be full of good things, joy indescribable and full of glory.

Begin to clear out today for a clean fresh start.

 

Your Partner in Hope

 

D’Ebi